jaded?

I get too excited too easily. I get too invested too fast. Then it’s gone. It fizzles away. So when I do start to get excited, I try to remind myself that I don’t care. I like being single and I don’t want to be tied down by this thing called…a boyfriend? I get lonely though. And some nights, hugging the pillow just doesn’t do it for me. But gross…why do I talk like this? I can do bad all by myself. I like the single life. I do. I do. I do.

I’m beginning to realize that when I say those things, it’s because I’m trying to soften the blow so it doesn’t hurt when the disappointment happens. It reminded me of an episode of Mad Men. January Jones’ character gets a gig as a model for coca-cola because they were looking for girls with that Grace Kelly look. She’s thrilled that she finally gets do something more…more than the housewife routine she does on a daily basis. After a one photo shoot, the art director tells her, “Coca-cola wanted to go in another direction. Less Grace Kelly, more Audrey Hepburn.” She’s devastated. But when she gets home, she convinces herself and her husband that she never wanted to model. It was too fussy for her. She prefers being at home and taking care of the kids. She doesn't like whipping up a quick half-assed meal for her husband to come home to. She likes to take her time. She likes gardening, wearing aprons, and doing laundry.

In some ways I feel like her. I get so excited that I tell all of my friends about this new prospect. Then before anything can even happen, it’s gone. So to save face,I convince myself that I love being single. And in a way I do. I love the freedom. I feel independent and content with myself. I definitely don’t NEED someone in my life. But would it be nice—of course.

And then people tell me about the book,The Secret. “Don’t say things like that!” they tell me. “You have to put it out into the universe so that it manifests itself." Well I’m putting it out there then – I’m excited! I’m giddy! I like this feeling and I’m gonna enjoy the ride and seeing where it'll take me! And if in the end, it all goes down like the rest of them, that’s okay!

Because I can easily convince myself that I’m through with it.