i've cancelled/rescheduled 3 dates so far. i'm either starting to lose momentum, or i'm really just not interested. in the beginning i was dating because i thought it was fun. i didn't care who the guy was. green hair. fat face. college drop out. 41 years old. i wasn't discriminating. i suppose i was dating for the sake of dating--making up for lost time. all of 2008 felt like a long period of hibernation and soul searching; wallowing in my own insecurities and fixing them before i could present myself to the world. when 2009 came along i finally felt the surge of confidence that was buried underneath all of the flaws that i magnified. now, i feel confident enough to share myself. and i did. i went on various dates with nothing to lose but plenty to offer. i like to think i'm a great conversationalist. i think i'm funny. i have depth. i am fucking fun to be around.
as i became a serial dater, i started to lose sight of what this was all about. i'm not necessarily dating with the hopes of finding "the one". i'm doing this because i'm young and because i should be meeting people. because it's fun. but most of all, i'm doing all of this to learn a little something about myself. i've learned that i don't have the heart to tell someone "we're just friends." i've learned that i'm interested in finding someone that has interests that are nothing like mine. i've learned that my face is extremely expressive and can't hide behind a smile as much as i thought i could. i'm learning that i get excited very easily and then idealize everything which eventually leads to disappointment. i'm learning that maybe i am still very insecure and the reason i like to keep these guys around (despite having absolutely no interest in them) because it makes me feel superior and wanted. it makes me feel special...yes it's a false sense of entitlement, but i rationalize it by thinking that it's better than the constant nagging in my head that likes to emphasize--"nobody wants me."
as i learn all of this, i realize that i need to step back and reassess the reason i'm dating. it no longer became a learning experience or a lighthearted good time. it became an ego booster. this conquest turned into a way to keep at least 3 guys on my radar at a time. when one would disappear, i'd quickly look for a replacement. i didn't care if the person was ugly, annoyed me, or was blatantly rude -- i wanted the attention.
i'm not going to stop this adventure but i'm going to remind myself that it's about quality. sure, the guy can be unattractive, a college drop out, a bad speller -- but there has to be some kind of quality. something of substance that keeps me interested. the green haired monster -- his hair freaked me out but the conversations we had kept me intrigued. the 20 lbs of bullshit and mr. piano man -- sure they were full of themselves but they gave me butterflies. the 41 year old -- yes he was a perv and wanted to have sex, but i was so enthralled by his life stories. but it stopped being fun when i couldn't find a reason to enjoy it. as i thought about the past few dates that i've cancelled, they all had one common thread -- it felt obligatory. i couldn't picture myself sitting through a meal and faking a laugh when all i really wanted to do was stay at home and have a movie marathon.
i'm learning that when it stops being fun -- i just have to cancel.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
dismissed
disregard any of the rules i made up in my last entry. silly of me to think that i could discover these "rules" on how to secure a follow up when i'm such a novice at dating. even more annoying -- this "follow up" that i swore i secured, turned out to be a false alarm. when i asked mr. piano man if we were still going to hang out at the piano bar he replied, "sure. if you don't mind hanging out with my friends."
i interpreted this in two different ways. 1) this is all platonic and i just got really excited over the fact that the date we did have had the perfect elements of a romantic date, or 2) the date went so well that he already wants me to meet his friends.
the second one was too idealistic. meeting the friends already? way too soon. but part of me was relieved. i had just come back from the gym and the thought of curling up in bed seemed more appealing than going to a piano bar to socialize with strangers (his friends). i wasn't in the mood to put on the smiley face and pretend i was interested.
DISMISSED.
this all made me wonder about the art of dismissal. my first experience was with mr. 20 lbs when he dismissed me after our first date, telling me he didn't feel the sparks. my second experience was with mr. piano man when he slyly insinuated that whatever we have is a blossoming friendship and nothing more. my third experience was with a guy i never even went on a date with to begin with. i told him the earliest we could hang out was a week from the day we started talking (sorry, i'm a busy guy). he asked me 3 days later if i wanted to have coffee. i told him i was busy. he told me he was giving up and it wasn't gonna work. WOW.
am i wrong to think that two out of three of those were completely out of line? if we're not even invested in each other, i don't think a dismissal is necessary. all you need to do is...STOP CALLING. ignore me. i'll get the picture. i guess verbalizing it makes it quick and easy, like ripping off a band-aid. i suppose ignoring the person can leave room for confusion and a feeling of limbo, but come on...you owe me nothing. i owe you nothing. if you don't like me, there's no need to bruise my ego with a pseudo-break-up line. "this isn't gonna work," "sorry, i just don't feel it." i'd much rather figure it out myself when i realize you're not responding to my phone calls/texts. so kudos to mr. piano man for letting me down easy. thanks for being a gentleman about it and dropping hints like "my friends are coming." i appreciate the courtesy.
although i'm giving up on trying to uncover the "rules" of dating (because the more i think about it, the more i think there are no rules), i do believe there is a proper way to dismiss someone. if you've been dating for a while and there's some kind of foundation--then yes, a conversation is necessary to explain the lack of zsa-zsa-zu. if you went on one date or JUST started talking, the right thing to do is to either 1) ignore the person if you're not interested, or 2) bring friends into the equation. while that can lead to some misinterpretation on the other person's part, a smart person would realize, "OMG friends are in the picture? i get the hint."
thank goodness for friends. they're the ones that will save you from a horrible date with the "emergency phone call" (i.e. "hey, my friend just called and they're stuck on the 101 somewhere so I have to pick them up. so sorry!"). and they're the ones you can use as an excuse to simply imply, "i'm just not that into you."
that my friends, is the lesson i learned after assuming i scored a follow up. class is over. dismissed.
i interpreted this in two different ways. 1) this is all platonic and i just got really excited over the fact that the date we did have had the perfect elements of a romantic date, or 2) the date went so well that he already wants me to meet his friends.
the second one was too idealistic. meeting the friends already? way too soon. but part of me was relieved. i had just come back from the gym and the thought of curling up in bed seemed more appealing than going to a piano bar to socialize with strangers (his friends). i wasn't in the mood to put on the smiley face and pretend i was interested.
DISMISSED.
this all made me wonder about the art of dismissal. my first experience was with mr. 20 lbs when he dismissed me after our first date, telling me he didn't feel the sparks. my second experience was with mr. piano man when he slyly insinuated that whatever we have is a blossoming friendship and nothing more. my third experience was with a guy i never even went on a date with to begin with. i told him the earliest we could hang out was a week from the day we started talking (sorry, i'm a busy guy). he asked me 3 days later if i wanted to have coffee. i told him i was busy. he told me he was giving up and it wasn't gonna work. WOW.
am i wrong to think that two out of three of those were completely out of line? if we're not even invested in each other, i don't think a dismissal is necessary. all you need to do is...STOP CALLING. ignore me. i'll get the picture. i guess verbalizing it makes it quick and easy, like ripping off a band-aid. i suppose ignoring the person can leave room for confusion and a feeling of limbo, but come on...you owe me nothing. i owe you nothing. if you don't like me, there's no need to bruise my ego with a pseudo-break-up line. "this isn't gonna work," "sorry, i just don't feel it." i'd much rather figure it out myself when i realize you're not responding to my phone calls/texts. so kudos to mr. piano man for letting me down easy. thanks for being a gentleman about it and dropping hints like "my friends are coming." i appreciate the courtesy.
although i'm giving up on trying to uncover the "rules" of dating (because the more i think about it, the more i think there are no rules), i do believe there is a proper way to dismiss someone. if you've been dating for a while and there's some kind of foundation--then yes, a conversation is necessary to explain the lack of zsa-zsa-zu. if you went on one date or JUST started talking, the right thing to do is to either 1) ignore the person if you're not interested, or 2) bring friends into the equation. while that can lead to some misinterpretation on the other person's part, a smart person would realize, "OMG friends are in the picture? i get the hint."
thank goodness for friends. they're the ones that will save you from a horrible date with the "emergency phone call" (i.e. "hey, my friend just called and they're stuck on the 101 somewhere so I have to pick them up. so sorry!"). and they're the ones you can use as an excuse to simply imply, "i'm just not that into you."
that my friends, is the lesson i learned after assuming i scored a follow up. class is over. dismissed.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
nows, laters and nevers
i never understood how to handle 'the follow-up'. i remember watching movies and tv shows and hearing about those unspoken rules. (i.e. don't make contact immediately after the date. you must wait at least 3 days.) i never did that. if i liked the person, i couldn't wait to text, call, email, IM...whatever. when i can't get enough, i want it when i want it. and i usually want it right away. but i never thought that was considered a follow-up.
i probably didn't listen to these rules because i haven't dated much. it actually didn't even occur to me that you needed to have a follow up until this past weekend, when i somehow became a dating machine and had 3 different dates lined up. the first one happened on friday night. from his pictures he was cute. absolutely my type. but i didn't feel much of anything. the anticipation didn't build up because the plans were made that same day on a whim. and i didn't even bother being excited about how cute i thought he was because i was prepared to see an extra 20 lbs on him (based on experiences in the past). since he lives in silverlake we decided to walk somewhere. as i walked towards him (2 blocks down), i couldn't help but think i was going to get mugged since the local news had been reporting muggings in the area. i kept looking back thinking, i'm stupid. why did i agree to meet up and walk somewhere? we're gonna get mugged and die. and it's not like either of us can fight. we both look like scrawny kids. unless of course he's 20 lbs heavier, but even then, i don't think he could fight.
when i saw him i was excited to see that he looked like his pictures. even slightly better in person. dinner was great and i found that we had similar interests. i noticed that he'd crack a smile every now and then at my tacky, self-deprecating jokes. and when there were moments of silence, i just admired how cute he was. drooling a little. maybe. after dinner the rain came down hard. (why did we decide to walk? muggings? rain?....this is LA. nobody walks.) as the rain came down harder we retreated under a bus shelter to stay dry. of course when i was just about to enjoy our one-on-one conversation in the rain an old man in a poncho riding a bike joins us under the shelter. i couldn't help but smile and realize how movie-like this all was. date? rain? bus shelter? old man in a poncho? throw it all in a blender and you have the perfect romantic comedy.
when the rain let up we went on our way. he told me plays at a piano bar around the neighborhood. everyone there is 40+ but he enjoys jazz and performing. he asked if i wanted to go. suddenly the rules popped into my head. that would be too eager. we must leave him wanting more. "hm. probably not tonight but i'd definitely like to go someday and see you play."
"i'll be there on wednesday." he said.
"cool. wednesday it is." --- was this real? did i just score a follow-up?! i have a second date! i couldn't wait to get home and squeal like a little girl and call my friends to tell them how giddy i was.
my second date was on sunday for brunch. since friday night was a tough act to follow, i didn't expect much which meant i would be pleasantly surprised. i felt extremely comfortable around him. he seemed like a genuine guy but the butterflies i felt on friday night just weren't there. we talked about birthdays, exes, and our coming out story. i couldn't decide if i thought he was cute or not. he definitely wasn't ugly but there was something missing from the whole thing. it bothered me that i couldn't put my finger on it since it would've been perfect, otherwise. oh well -- i guess some dates just don't have that "oooooh weeeeee" feeling. i didn't score a follow-up. it didn't cross my mind. it wasn't until 2 days later that he called me and asked when he'd see me again. OH. i guess he wanted one. i wasn't opposed to it, but i wasn't anxious to make any future plans. but since he initiated it, i was open to it.
the third date was a disaster. (2 outta 3 ain't bad, i guess). i never like to think too much about what i'll wear on a date, but i think i do a good job of looking presentable. so tell me why homie decided to roll up in some cargo shorts, dirty tennis shoes, socks up to his knees, a faded blue hoodie, and a tacky jacket over it. as we walked side by side i couldn't help but wonder what people must be thinking about us. we were an odd pair. since we were at the grove i hoped that no one i knew would see me. why the hell did i wear an orange jacket?!
to top it all off he had no job. and i understand that in this economy, jobs are hard to come by, but he seemed completely content with being unemployed. conversation was horrible and there was a LOT of silence. i felt like i was pulling teeth. when things like this happen, i immediately go into competitive mode. i wanted to win. (i don't know why i turn situations like this into competitions) but that meant, he couldn't get the best of me with his silence. i was going to keep asking him questions and kill him with kindness. after about 20 minutes of asking questions and getting absolutely nothing...i gave up. "are you bored?" i asked, sounding annoyed.
"no. i'm just quiet sometimes."
uh...no shit stupid.
"okaaaaaay." that's it. i was done. i quit. i wanna go home!
"it's nothing against you. i just get quiet."
i didn't respond. HA! two can play this game.
more silence. then i asked him something that had been bothering me. "So if you don't have a job...how do you pay for rent?"
"Oh. i got that covered."
hm. he's from the bronx and said he had a rough upbringing so that ruled out living off mommy and daddy. he was either a male prostitute or a drug dealer. i couldn't wait to get rid of this guy. i wanted to jump in the shower and wash off every memory i had of him. i wanted to erase that outfit from my head. the silences. gross. i felt wretched from all of this.
---------------------------------------
i learned more about the rules of 'the follow-up.' rule #1. if there's interest and chemistry, secure the follow-up when you're ON the date. that leaves you something to look forward to and enough to remind you that the date was successful (because after dates, i tend to overanalyze and wonder...so was that a good one? there was chemistry, right?) securing 'the follow-up' right away alleviates that anxiety. rule #2. if you're not interested but you had fun, don't make a follow-up unless he wants to. if he asks for one, you realize you're fun and irresistable. and rule #3. if the date is a disaster. RUN. never follow up. never look back. never think about it ever again.
although i ended my weekend on a bad note with a horrible date, i have tomorrow to look forward to. :)
i probably didn't listen to these rules because i haven't dated much. it actually didn't even occur to me that you needed to have a follow up until this past weekend, when i somehow became a dating machine and had 3 different dates lined up. the first one happened on friday night. from his pictures he was cute. absolutely my type. but i didn't feel much of anything. the anticipation didn't build up because the plans were made that same day on a whim. and i didn't even bother being excited about how cute i thought he was because i was prepared to see an extra 20 lbs on him (based on experiences in the past). since he lives in silverlake we decided to walk somewhere. as i walked towards him (2 blocks down), i couldn't help but think i was going to get mugged since the local news had been reporting muggings in the area. i kept looking back thinking, i'm stupid. why did i agree to meet up and walk somewhere? we're gonna get mugged and die. and it's not like either of us can fight. we both look like scrawny kids. unless of course he's 20 lbs heavier, but even then, i don't think he could fight.
when i saw him i was excited to see that he looked like his pictures. even slightly better in person. dinner was great and i found that we had similar interests. i noticed that he'd crack a smile every now and then at my tacky, self-deprecating jokes. and when there were moments of silence, i just admired how cute he was. drooling a little. maybe. after dinner the rain came down hard. (why did we decide to walk? muggings? rain?....this is LA. nobody walks.) as the rain came down harder we retreated under a bus shelter to stay dry. of course when i was just about to enjoy our one-on-one conversation in the rain an old man in a poncho riding a bike joins us under the shelter. i couldn't help but smile and realize how movie-like this all was. date? rain? bus shelter? old man in a poncho? throw it all in a blender and you have the perfect romantic comedy.
when the rain let up we went on our way. he told me plays at a piano bar around the neighborhood. everyone there is 40+ but he enjoys jazz and performing. he asked if i wanted to go. suddenly the rules popped into my head. that would be too eager. we must leave him wanting more. "hm. probably not tonight but i'd definitely like to go someday and see you play."
"i'll be there on wednesday." he said.
"cool. wednesday it is." --- was this real? did i just score a follow-up?! i have a second date! i couldn't wait to get home and squeal like a little girl and call my friends to tell them how giddy i was.
my second date was on sunday for brunch. since friday night was a tough act to follow, i didn't expect much which meant i would be pleasantly surprised. i felt extremely comfortable around him. he seemed like a genuine guy but the butterflies i felt on friday night just weren't there. we talked about birthdays, exes, and our coming out story. i couldn't decide if i thought he was cute or not. he definitely wasn't ugly but there was something missing from the whole thing. it bothered me that i couldn't put my finger on it since it would've been perfect, otherwise. oh well -- i guess some dates just don't have that "oooooh weeeeee" feeling. i didn't score a follow-up. it didn't cross my mind. it wasn't until 2 days later that he called me and asked when he'd see me again. OH. i guess he wanted one. i wasn't opposed to it, but i wasn't anxious to make any future plans. but since he initiated it, i was open to it.
the third date was a disaster. (2 outta 3 ain't bad, i guess). i never like to think too much about what i'll wear on a date, but i think i do a good job of looking presentable. so tell me why homie decided to roll up in some cargo shorts, dirty tennis shoes, socks up to his knees, a faded blue hoodie, and a tacky jacket over it. as we walked side by side i couldn't help but wonder what people must be thinking about us. we were an odd pair. since we were at the grove i hoped that no one i knew would see me. why the hell did i wear an orange jacket?!
to top it all off he had no job. and i understand that in this economy, jobs are hard to come by, but he seemed completely content with being unemployed. conversation was horrible and there was a LOT of silence. i felt like i was pulling teeth. when things like this happen, i immediately go into competitive mode. i wanted to win. (i don't know why i turn situations like this into competitions) but that meant, he couldn't get the best of me with his silence. i was going to keep asking him questions and kill him with kindness. after about 20 minutes of asking questions and getting absolutely nothing...i gave up. "are you bored?" i asked, sounding annoyed.
"no. i'm just quiet sometimes."
uh...no shit stupid.
"okaaaaaay." that's it. i was done. i quit. i wanna go home!
"it's nothing against you. i just get quiet."
i didn't respond. HA! two can play this game.
more silence. then i asked him something that had been bothering me. "So if you don't have a job...how do you pay for rent?"
"Oh. i got that covered."
hm. he's from the bronx and said he had a rough upbringing so that ruled out living off mommy and daddy. he was either a male prostitute or a drug dealer. i couldn't wait to get rid of this guy. i wanted to jump in the shower and wash off every memory i had of him. i wanted to erase that outfit from my head. the silences. gross. i felt wretched from all of this.
---------------------------------------
i learned more about the rules of 'the follow-up.' rule #1. if there's interest and chemistry, secure the follow-up when you're ON the date. that leaves you something to look forward to and enough to remind you that the date was successful (because after dates, i tend to overanalyze and wonder...so was that a good one? there was chemistry, right?) securing 'the follow-up' right away alleviates that anxiety. rule #2. if you're not interested but you had fun, don't make a follow-up unless he wants to. if he asks for one, you realize you're fun and irresistable. and rule #3. if the date is a disaster. RUN. never follow up. never look back. never think about it ever again.
although i ended my weekend on a bad note with a horrible date, i have tomorrow to look forward to. :)
Monday, February 2, 2009
20 lbs of Bullshit
i was really excited for this one. because he was cute. (FINALLY! a cute one!) he was an upgrade from the nice (but unattractive) guys that provided me with semi-stimulating conversations because he was a CUTE nice guy! although he lacked in the 'semi-stimulating conversation department', i was willing to overlook that little mishap and just concentrate on his handsome face.
but a few things started to get on my nerves. he'd mix up 'your' and 'you're' and 'too' and 'to'. hmm. he went to fashion school, that's why. and as an english major, i just find it very careless, lazy, and stupid when you can't differentiate these words. to be passive aggressive i told him that my pet peeve was when people spell things wrong and mix up 'your' and 'you're' and the like. "uh oh. i think that might be me." he replied sounding slightly apologetic. +10 points for acknowledging it! it's okay! you're cute. somewhere down the road i'll teach you the difference!
the phone calls full of mushy gushy conversation that would normally make me vomit. the cutesy texts that made me feel important and wanted. i'd think this can't be good. when i fall this fast, it always ends up like a firecracker that turns out to be a dud. light it with excitement, watch it sparkle for a second, then it fizzles into disappointment. but FUCK it! he thought i was sexy! he sent me cute texts. he made me feel wanted. i didn't care if we hadn't met yet. i'd deal with that situation when the time came. at this point, i'm all about honoring the feelings i feel at the moment and not being apologetic about it. i enjoyed this shit to the maximum.
we met for brunch in old town pasadena. i got there before him so i wandered alone. butterflies. i felt them. i hadn't felt them in ages. he told me to meet him by kenneth cole. i stood by the street light trying to position myself so that i'd have a cool stance and he'd see me looking so calm, collected, and...sexy. should i cross my arms? no too defensive. hands in the pocket? sure, that's cool. tilt the head up a little? maybe but it might be a little cocky. smile? no. pensive look. yes. hands on hip. no way, too gay.
"hey there!" he exclaimed. i turned around trying to look nonchalant. and then--what the fuck?! this is not the person i saw on his profile. this guy was 20 lbs heavier with a double chin and a gut. this wasn't the chiseled, handsome guy i was waiting for. BUT -- it's okay. he goes to the gym. he'll lose it and there's a reasonable explanation as to why he let himself get like this. after all, i'm not shallow. he's still...great? even though he spells things wrong and our conversations were extremely forgettable he was...great...?
okay i take it back. he was boring. boring as fuck. he didn't understand my dry, intelligent, witty humor. he was vapid. i asked about his coming out story and those are usually full of emotions, depth, and insight to someone's soul but his story was more boring than my atmospheric science lectures in college. i still tried to stay positive. mostly by imagining him 20 lbs lighter. if he loses 20 lbs, i can just drown out what he has to say and then have sex with him all the time. it'll be the perfect relationship.
although the date wasn't what i would call a success, it wasn't a complete failure. i even decided that a second date would be somewhere in the near future. after all, i liked the way he made me feel. he sent me cute texts. he made me feel wanted. he told me i was sexy.
two days after our date, he texted me 'good morning' and i flirtatiously texted back, 'miss me yet?' he replied about 15 minutes later with 'nick, i don't think i can just have a fuck buddy. let's face it that's the level we connect on. i just don't feel it. i don't want to waste my time or yours."
....................................................................????
--STOP THE TRACK! LET ME STATE FACTS --
1) fuck buddy? when did we start fucking? and how is that the only level we connected on if we haven't fucked yet?
2) we went on one date! and you're dumping me?!
3) YOU'RE A LIAR! YOUR PICS ARE PROBABLY FROM 2003 AND NOW YOU'RE FAT!
4) i am the best thing that will ever happen to you! i am such a catch and you were too busy scratching your fat ass to notice!
5) it wasn't supposed to end this way. i was supposed to win!!! i call the shots! i tell you when i'm done and when you can leave! you speak when spoken to and only with permission! how dare you!
i had to collect myself. stay composed. i was at work after all. just open an excel spreadsheet and you'll be fine. no one will know anything. but FUCK...he's dismissing me?! i had to think of a reply. i wanted so desperately to try to fix it. at this point it wasn't even because i wanted to date him anymore, but because i had to win!!! because i had to make him want me again so i could flip the switch and dismiss HIM! the way it was supposed to happen. somehow my universe had been turned upside down and i was powerless. this lying, uneducated, vapid fat fuck just dissed me? ME?! partna, partna i was gonna upgrade you. i was gonna teach you how to spell. i was gonna help you lose the double chin you somehow managed to develop. i was gonna mold you into the perfect boyfriend.
(i tend to get irrational and really conceited when i'm angry.)
i got up for some coffee and thought about my reply. "okay. good luck." short and sweet. no need for something malicious. no need for a sly comeback that would cut to the bone. because honestly, would he even get it? it would probably just bounce off of that rubbery head of his and fall flat on the ground. and my genuis comeback would be on the pavement amongst old gum, some tar, and a few fallen pennies. i didn't want him anyway. i wanted the illusion. it felt good. but i guess he was right. it would've been a complete waste of time. i just wanted to enjoy it for what it was worth but looking back on it, it's probably better that he took it all away from me before i could become an addict. so he can take his fashion school degree, and his boring coming out story, and his 20 extra pounds and walk away. thanks for reminding me that i deserve more than you could ever offer.
but a few things started to get on my nerves. he'd mix up 'your' and 'you're' and 'too' and 'to'. hmm. he went to fashion school, that's why. and as an english major, i just find it very careless, lazy, and stupid when you can't differentiate these words. to be passive aggressive i told him that my pet peeve was when people spell things wrong and mix up 'your' and 'you're' and the like. "uh oh. i think that might be me." he replied sounding slightly apologetic. +10 points for acknowledging it! it's okay! you're cute. somewhere down the road i'll teach you the difference!
the phone calls full of mushy gushy conversation that would normally make me vomit. the cutesy texts that made me feel important and wanted. i'd think this can't be good. when i fall this fast, it always ends up like a firecracker that turns out to be a dud. light it with excitement, watch it sparkle for a second, then it fizzles into disappointment. but FUCK it! he thought i was sexy! he sent me cute texts. he made me feel wanted. i didn't care if we hadn't met yet. i'd deal with that situation when the time came. at this point, i'm all about honoring the feelings i feel at the moment and not being apologetic about it. i enjoyed this shit to the maximum.
we met for brunch in old town pasadena. i got there before him so i wandered alone. butterflies. i felt them. i hadn't felt them in ages. he told me to meet him by kenneth cole. i stood by the street light trying to position myself so that i'd have a cool stance and he'd see me looking so calm, collected, and...sexy. should i cross my arms? no too defensive. hands in the pocket? sure, that's cool. tilt the head up a little? maybe but it might be a little cocky. smile? no. pensive look. yes. hands on hip. no way, too gay.
"hey there!" he exclaimed. i turned around trying to look nonchalant. and then--what the fuck?! this is not the person i saw on his profile. this guy was 20 lbs heavier with a double chin and a gut. this wasn't the chiseled, handsome guy i was waiting for. BUT -- it's okay. he goes to the gym. he'll lose it and there's a reasonable explanation as to why he let himself get like this. after all, i'm not shallow. he's still...great? even though he spells things wrong and our conversations were extremely forgettable he was...great...?
okay i take it back. he was boring. boring as fuck. he didn't understand my dry, intelligent, witty humor. he was vapid. i asked about his coming out story and those are usually full of emotions, depth, and insight to someone's soul but his story was more boring than my atmospheric science lectures in college. i still tried to stay positive. mostly by imagining him 20 lbs lighter. if he loses 20 lbs, i can just drown out what he has to say and then have sex with him all the time. it'll be the perfect relationship.
although the date wasn't what i would call a success, it wasn't a complete failure. i even decided that a second date would be somewhere in the near future. after all, i liked the way he made me feel. he sent me cute texts. he made me feel wanted. he told me i was sexy.
two days after our date, he texted me 'good morning' and i flirtatiously texted back, 'miss me yet?' he replied about 15 minutes later with 'nick, i don't think i can just have a fuck buddy. let's face it that's the level we connect on. i just don't feel it. i don't want to waste my time or yours."
....................................................................????
--STOP THE TRACK! LET ME STATE FACTS --
1) fuck buddy? when did we start fucking? and how is that the only level we connected on if we haven't fucked yet?
2) we went on one date! and you're dumping me?!
3) YOU'RE A LIAR! YOUR PICS ARE PROBABLY FROM 2003 AND NOW YOU'RE FAT!
4) i am the best thing that will ever happen to you! i am such a catch and you were too busy scratching your fat ass to notice!
5) it wasn't supposed to end this way. i was supposed to win!!! i call the shots! i tell you when i'm done and when you can leave! you speak when spoken to and only with permission! how dare you!
i had to collect myself. stay composed. i was at work after all. just open an excel spreadsheet and you'll be fine. no one will know anything. but FUCK...he's dismissing me?! i had to think of a reply. i wanted so desperately to try to fix it. at this point it wasn't even because i wanted to date him anymore, but because i had to win!!! because i had to make him want me again so i could flip the switch and dismiss HIM! the way it was supposed to happen. somehow my universe had been turned upside down and i was powerless. this lying, uneducated, vapid fat fuck just dissed me? ME?! partna, partna i was gonna upgrade you. i was gonna teach you how to spell. i was gonna help you lose the double chin you somehow managed to develop. i was gonna mold you into the perfect boyfriend.
(i tend to get irrational and really conceited when i'm angry.)
i got up for some coffee and thought about my reply. "okay. good luck." short and sweet. no need for something malicious. no need for a sly comeback that would cut to the bone. because honestly, would he even get it? it would probably just bounce off of that rubbery head of his and fall flat on the ground. and my genuis comeback would be on the pavement amongst old gum, some tar, and a few fallen pennies. i didn't want him anyway. i wanted the illusion. it felt good. but i guess he was right. it would've been a complete waste of time. i just wanted to enjoy it for what it was worth but looking back on it, it's probably better that he took it all away from me before i could become an addict. so he can take his fashion school degree, and his boring coming out story, and his 20 extra pounds and walk away. thanks for reminding me that i deserve more than you could ever offer.
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