nows, laters and nevers

i never understood how to handle 'the follow-up'. i remember watching movies and tv shows and hearing about those unspoken rules. (i.e. don't make contact immediately after the date. you must wait at least 3 days.) i never did that. if i liked the person, i couldn't wait to text, call, email, IM...whatever. when i can't get enough, i want it when i want it. and i usually want it right away. but i never thought that was considered a follow-up.

i probably didn't listen to these rules because i haven't dated much. it actually didn't even occur to me that you needed to have a follow up until this past weekend, when i somehow became a dating machine and had 3 different dates lined up. the first one happened on friday night. from his pictures he was cute. absolutely my type. but i didn't feel much of anything. the anticipation didn't build up because the plans were made that same day on a whim. and i didn't even bother being excited about how cute i thought he was because i was prepared to see an extra 20 lbs on him (based on experiences in the past). since he lives in silverlake we decided to walk somewhere. as i walked towards him (2 blocks down), i couldn't help but think i was going to get mugged since the local news had been reporting muggings in the area. i kept looking back thinking, i'm stupid. why did i agree to meet up and walk somewhere? we're gonna get mugged and die. and it's not like either of us can fight. we both look like scrawny kids. unless of course he's 20 lbs heavier, but even then, i don't think he could fight.


when i saw him i was excited to see that he looked like his pictures. even slightly better in person. dinner was great and i found that we had similar interests. i noticed that he'd crack a smile every now and then at my tacky, self-deprecating jokes. and when there were moments of silence, i just admired how cute he was. drooling a little. maybe. after dinner the rain came down hard. (why did we decide to walk? muggings? rain?....this is LA. nobody walks.) as the rain came down harder we retreated under a bus shelter to stay dry. of course when i was just about to enjoy our one-on-one conversation in the rain an old man in a poncho riding a bike joins us under the shelter. i couldn't help but smile and realize how movie-like this all was. date? rain? bus shelter? old man in a poncho? throw it all in a blender and you have the perfect romantic comedy.

when the rain let up we went on our way. he told me plays at a piano bar around the neighborhood. everyone there is 40+ but he enjoys jazz and performing. he asked if i wanted to go. suddenly the rules popped into my head. that would be too eager. we must leave him wanting more. "hm. probably not tonight but i'd definitely like to go someday and see you play."

"i'll be there on wednesday." he said.

"cool. wednesday it is." --- was this real? did i just score a follow-up?! i have a second date! i couldn't wait to get home and squeal like a little girl and call my friends to tell them how giddy i was.

my second date was on sunday for brunch. since friday night was a tough act to follow, i didn't expect much which meant i would be pleasantly surprised. i felt extremely comfortable around him. he seemed like a genuine guy but the butterflies i felt on friday night just weren't there. we talked about birthdays, exes, and our coming out story. i couldn't decide if i thought he was cute or not. he definitely wasn't ugly but there was something missing from the whole thing. it bothered me that i couldn't put my finger on it since it would've been perfect, otherwise. oh well -- i guess some dates just don't have that "oooooh weeeeee" feeling. i didn't score a follow-up. it didn't cross my mind. it wasn't until 2 days later that he called me and asked when he'd see me again. OH. i guess he wanted one. i wasn't opposed to it, but i wasn't anxious to make any future plans. but since he initiated it, i was open to it.

the third date was a disaster. (2 outta 3 ain't bad, i guess). i never like to think too much about what i'll wear on a date, but i think i do a good job of looking presentable. so tell me why homie decided to roll up in some cargo shorts, dirty tennis shoes, socks up to his knees, a faded blue hoodie, and a tacky jacket over it. as we walked side by side i couldn't help but wonder what people must be thinking about us. we were an odd pair. since we were at the grove i hoped that no one i knew would see me. why the hell did i wear an orange jacket?!

to top it all off he had no job. and i understand that in this economy, jobs are hard to come by, but he seemed completely content with being unemployed. conversation was horrible and there was a LOT of silence. i felt like i was pulling teeth. when things like this happen, i immediately go into competitive mode. i wanted to win. (i don't know why i turn situations like this into competitions) but that meant, he couldn't get the best of me with his silence. i was going to keep asking him questions and kill him with kindness. after about 20 minutes of asking questions and getting absolutely nothing...i gave up. "are you bored?" i asked, sounding annoyed.

"no. i'm just quiet sometimes."

uh...no shit stupid.

"okaaaaaay." that's it. i was done. i quit. i wanna go home!

"it's nothing against you. i just get quiet."

i didn't respond. HA! two can play this game.

more silence. then i asked him something that had been bothering me. "So if you don't have a job...how do you pay for rent?"

"Oh. i got that covered."

hm. he's from the bronx and said he had a rough upbringing so that ruled out living off mommy and daddy. he was either a male prostitute or a drug dealer. i couldn't wait to get rid of this guy. i wanted to jump in the shower and wash off every memory i had of him. i wanted to erase that outfit from my head. the silences. gross. i felt wretched from all of this.
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i learned more about the rules of 'the follow-up.' rule #1. if there's interest and chemistry, secure the follow-up when you're ON the date. that leaves you something to look forward to and enough to remind you that the date was successful (because after dates, i tend to overanalyze and wonder...so was that a good one? there was chemistry, right?) securing 'the follow-up' right away alleviates that anxiety. rule #2. if you're not interested but you had fun, don't make a follow-up unless he wants to. if he asks for one, you realize you're fun and irresistable. and rule #3. if the date is a disaster. RUN. never follow up. never look back. never think about it ever again.

although i ended my weekend on a bad note with a horrible date, i have tomorrow to look forward to. :)