when it stops being fun

i've cancelled/rescheduled 3 dates so far. i'm either starting to lose momentum, or i'm really just not interested. in the beginning i was dating because i thought it was fun. i didn't care who the guy was. green hair. fat face. college drop out. 41 years old. i wasn't discriminating. i suppose i was dating for the sake of dating--making up for lost time. all of 2008 felt like a long period of hibernation and soul searching; wallowing in my own insecurities and fixing them before i could present myself to the world. when 2009 came along i finally felt the surge of confidence that was buried underneath all of the flaws that i magnified. now, i feel confident enough to share myself. and i did. i went on various dates with nothing to lose but plenty to offer. i like to think i'm a great conversationalist. i think i'm funny. i have depth. i am fucking fun to be around.

as i became a serial dater, i started to lose sight of what this was all about. i'm not necessarily dating with the hopes of finding "the one". i'm doing this because i'm young and because i should be meeting people. because it's fun. but most of all, i'm doing all of this to learn a little something about myself. i've learned that i don't have the heart to tell someone "we're just friends." i've learned that i'm interested in finding someone that has interests that are nothing like mine. i've learned that my face is extremely expressive and can't hide behind a smile as much as i thought i could. i'm learning that i get excited very easily and then idealize everything which eventually leads to disappointment. i'm learning that maybe i am still very insecure and the reason i like to keep these guys around (despite having absolutely no interest in them) because it makes me feel superior and wanted. it makes me feel special...yes it's a false sense of entitlement, but i rationalize it by thinking that it's better than the constant nagging in my head that likes to emphasize--"nobody wants me."

as i learn all of this, i realize that i need to step back and reassess the reason i'm dating. it no longer became a learning experience or a lighthearted good time. it became an ego booster. this conquest turned into a way to keep at least 3 guys on my radar at a time. when one would disappear, i'd quickly look for a replacement. i didn't care if the person was ugly, annoyed me, or was blatantly rude -- i wanted the attention.

i'm not going to stop this adventure but i'm going to remind myself that it's about quality. sure, the guy can be unattractive, a college drop out, a bad speller -- but there has to be some kind of quality. something of substance that keeps me interested. the green haired monster -- his hair freaked me out but the conversations we had kept me intrigued. the 20 lbs of bullshit and mr. piano man -- sure they were full of themselves but they gave me butterflies. the 41 year old -- yes he was a perv and wanted to have sex, but i was so enthralled by his life stories. but it stopped being fun when i couldn't find a reason to enjoy it. as i thought about the past few dates that i've cancelled, they all had one common thread -- it felt obligatory. i couldn't picture myself sitting through a meal and faking a laugh when all i really wanted to do was stay at home and have a movie marathon.

i'm learning that when it stops being fun -- i just have to cancel.