20 lbs of Bullshit

i was really excited for this one. because he was cute. (FINALLY! a cute one!) he was an upgrade from the nice (but unattractive) guys that provided me with semi-stimulating conversations because he was a CUTE nice guy! although he lacked in the 'semi-stimulating conversation department', i was willing to overlook that little mishap and just concentrate on his handsome face.

but a few things started to get on my nerves. he'd mix up 'your' and 'you're' and 'too' and 'to'. hmm. he went to fashion school, that's why. and as an english major, i just find it very careless, lazy, and stupid when you can't differentiate these words. to be passive aggressive i told him that my pet peeve was when people spell things wrong and mix up 'your' and 'you're' and the like. "uh oh. i think that might be me." he replied sounding slightly apologetic. +10 points for acknowledging it! it's okay! you're cute. somewhere down the road i'll teach you the difference!

the phone calls full of mushy gushy conversation that would normally make me vomit. the cutesy texts that made me feel important and wanted. i'd think this can't be good. when i fall this fast, it always ends up like a firecracker that turns out to be a dud. light it with excitement, watch it sparkle for a second, then it fizzles into disappointment. but FUCK it! he thought i was sexy! he sent me cute texts. he made me feel wanted. i didn't care if we hadn't met yet. i'd deal with that situation when the time came. at this point, i'm all about honoring the feelings i feel at the moment and not being apologetic about it. i enjoyed this shit to the maximum.

we met for brunch in old town pasadena. i got there before him so i wandered alone. butterflies. i felt them. i hadn't felt them in ages. he told me to meet him by kenneth cole. i stood by the street light trying to position myself so that i'd have a cool stance and he'd see me looking so calm, collected, and...sexy. should i cross my arms? no too defensive. hands in the pocket? sure, that's cool. tilt the head up a little? maybe but it might be a little cocky. smile? no. pensive look. yes. hands on hip. no way, too gay.

"hey there!" he exclaimed. i turned around trying to look nonchalant. and then--what the fuck?! this is not the person i saw on his profile. this guy was 20 lbs heavier with a double chin and a gut. this wasn't the chiseled, handsome guy i was waiting for. BUT -- it's okay. he goes to the gym. he'll lose it and there's a reasonable explanation as to why he let himself get like this. after all, i'm not shallow. he's still...great? even though he spells things wrong and our conversations were extremely forgettable he was...great...?

okay i take it back. he was boring. boring as fuck. he didn't understand my dry, intelligent, witty humor. he was vapid. i asked about his coming out story and those are usually full of emotions, depth, and insight to someone's soul but his story was more boring than my atmospheric science lectures in college. i still tried to stay positive. mostly by imagining him 20 lbs lighter. if he loses 20 lbs, i can just drown out what he has to say and then have sex with him all the time. it'll be the perfect relationship.

although the date wasn't what i would call a success, it wasn't a complete failure. i even decided that a second date would be somewhere in the near future. after all, i liked the way he made me feel. he sent me cute texts. he made me feel wanted. he told me i was sexy.

two days after our date, he texted me 'good morning' and i flirtatiously texted back, 'miss me yet?' he replied about 15 minutes later with 'nick, i don't think i can just have a fuck buddy. let's face it that's the level we connect on. i just don't feel it. i don't want to waste my time or yours."

....................................................................????


--STOP THE TRACK! LET ME STATE FACTS --

1) fuck buddy? when did we start fucking? and how is that the only level we connected on if we haven't fucked yet?

2) we went on one date! and you're dumping me?!

3) YOU'RE A LIAR! YOUR PICS ARE PROBABLY FROM 2003 AND NOW YOU'RE FAT!

4) i am the best thing that will ever happen to you! i am such a catch and you were too busy scratching your fat ass to notice!

5) it wasn't supposed to end this way. i was supposed to win!!! i call the shots! i tell you when i'm done and when you can leave! you speak when spoken to and only with permission! how dare you!

i had to collect myself. stay composed. i was at work after all. just open an excel spreadsheet and you'll be fine. no one will know anything. but FUCK...he's dismissing me?! i had to think of a reply. i wanted so desperately to try to fix it. at this point it wasn't even because i wanted to date him anymore, but because i had to win!!! because i had to make him want me again so i could flip the switch and dismiss HIM! the way it was supposed to happen. somehow my universe had been turned upside down and i was powerless. this lying, uneducated, vapid fat fuck just dissed me? ME?! partna, partna i was gonna upgrade you. i was gonna teach you how to spell. i was gonna help you lose the double chin you somehow managed to develop. i was gonna mold you into the perfect boyfriend.

(i tend to get irrational and really conceited when i'm angry.)

i got up for some coffee and thought about my reply. "okay. good luck." short and sweet. no need for something malicious. no need for a sly comeback that would cut to the bone. because honestly, would he even get it? it would probably just bounce off of that rubbery head of his and fall flat on the ground. and my genuis comeback would be on the pavement amongst old gum, some tar, and a few fallen pennies. i didn't want him anyway. i wanted the illusion. it felt good. but i guess he was right. it would've been a complete waste of time. i just wanted to enjoy it for what it was worth but looking back on it, it's probably better that he took it all away from me before i could become an addict. so he can take his fashion school degree, and his boring coming out story, and his 20 extra pounds and walk away. thanks for reminding me that i deserve more than you could ever offer.