"fuck this, this can't be my life. i moisturized 10 times tonight"

that's the key to having it all: stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like. It's true of the fall lines, and it's true of relationships. - sex and the city, 'plus one is the loneliest number'

maybe he doesn't exist. perhaps i've set the standard so high that even if i did meet 'the one' (if 'the one' is even real), i wouldn't know it because i'll be too busy expecting my idea of perfection to come knocking at my door at any minute. it's ironic because in my definition of 'the perfect one', he's flawed. but in a beautiful way. the way all human beings are flawed. geez...even my concept of 'the perfect one' has the perfect flaws.

i hate the labels. i hate the types. the hipster gays. the we ho gays. the straight-acting gays, the flamey gays. the thug gays. the artsy gays. i don't want a prototype, i want a person. but i contradict myself by conceptualizing what this person is supposed to be like. i guess in a sense i've created my own prototype.

i always struggle to find the words to describe what i'd like in a partner. it's evolved from "i kinda want someone like me, but not me," to "handsome face, witty, smart, my height or taller, has a boyish charm about him," because the first description was too vague and people would just give me blank stares as if i were supposed to elaborate a bit more. come on...how hard is it to picture me with someone who is like me that isn't exactly like me? i guess in my head it all makes sense. but when i give the more thorough description with adjectives like "handsome," "witty," and "boyish charm," i feel like i'm not doing any justice to what i'm actually envisioning. and maybe that's the problem. maybe i need to stop envisioning what it's supposed to look like and just...close my eyes and let it all happen organically.

it's so hard to not get jaded and cynical about it. 'he's not out there. i'm so over it. i'm just gonna be single.' i'll come home from trader joe's or ralphs with a trunk full of grocery bags and try my best to carry all of them in one trip. after i set them all down on the kitchen counter, i take a breather and think, 'get used to this. it might be the rest of your life.' and when i think things like that, i immediately follow it up with, 'well...you're still young. don't put ideas like that out into the universe.'

at night i retreat to my room...alone. i think about how my roommates are coupled. jo and kev, 3 (maybe 4?) years strong. jasmine and her boy, new and fresh. the new tenants moving in downstairs...a couple.

then there's me...and my body pillow. i leave the TV on when i sleep so that i feel like there's someone there with me. i'm not afraid of being alone. i just don't like being lonely. will i choose loneliness over company just because my criteria isn't being met? do i have too much pride? if love doesn't come in the form that i want it to come in, will i just dispose of it? and why the fuck do i think about it so much? lately, i feel like it's taken over the world. everywhere i look...LOVE.

am i crazy because i want it to be a certain way? (aaaaaand play video)



love is in the air and everyone is inhaling it deep into their lungs...i'm still holding my breath.