twenty six and plenty sex.

i turn 26 on sunday. i didn't fully process this until i was unpacking things in my room and wondering what my birthday theme should be. Smurfs. Thunder Cats. Muppet Babies. All 80's cartoons. FUCK. I'll be 26 soon. then i got to thinking about my cousin jason. he's my age. he proposed to his girlfriend of 7 years. he's saving money to buy a house, marry his fiance, and start a family. and here i am, trying to figure out which 80's cartoon will be the perfect theme for my 26th birthday party. then i realized how many people around me are getting married. as we grow up we all encounter milestones. when you turn 18, you're attending high school graduation parties and going off to college. when you're 22 (or somewhere around that age), you're attending college graduations. and i guess based on the people around me, when you hit your mid to late 20's, you start going to weddings. so as my domesticated, traditional cousin prepares for his wedding, i'm still trying to figure out how the hell to date.

while i've learned a thing or two through these adventures, i'm still pretty baffled about how this it's all supposed to work. the most important lesson i've learned, however, is that if i can't picture myself having sex with you, then i probably shouldn't date you. i know, i know...shallow. but i tried dating with no hang ups. i put myself out there and went on dates with guys that would typically make me feel dirty inside and want to take 5 showers in a row--and it didn't work. sure, the majority of these dates were pleasant. entertaining even. but i started to sound like a broken record: "he was really cool. i liked his personality but there's no chemistry." and i'm starting to realize that "no chemistry" is a euphemism for "i think he's really ugly." i can't seem to find the happy medium. when i find someone extremely hot, i don't want him to have a personality or any substance. and when i think the person is ugly, i expect him to have personality for days.

i think the problem is that i'm having a hard time reconciling the idea of a harmonious, commited relationship with the idea of sex. for me, the two can't seem to co-exist. i guess the catholicism is rooted in me because it boils down to the whole "virgin/whore" dichotomy. how can i possibly be sexual and carnal with someone i'm supposed to respect and love? i can't make sense of it. so yeah--i admit--most of my sexual encounters have been with guys that i don't see as...human, for lack of a better word. it's just sex. raw, emotionless, but fucking HOT--sex.

so this all wasn't in vain. as cliche as it sounds, i guess i've pinpointed the problem, and that's the first step to fixing it. so from here on out, i'm only dating guys that i find attractive...and hoping that i don't automatically think of them as vapid pieces of ass. maybe i can learn to have sex with a person instead of a body. now i have to figure out how to snag a date with someone i find attractive. that's tricky.

i think i'll figure that out at 27.

for now, i'll try listening to the lyrics of this song while imagining love and butterflies and all that sweet shit.