Rim Jobs and Chinese Food with Ben Stein

I couldn’t wait to find out what was for dinner. It was a late dinner because I had to go to the gym (if I’m going to take this dating thing seriously, then I should be at the top of my game, right?) I was really hoping for Chinese food because I remember craving Mandarette’s strawberry shrimp. To quench my curiosity I finally asked where we were going. “MJ’s,” he replied. “Have you ever been on Tuesdays? It’s fun. It’s called 'Rim Job'.” My first date in almost over a year and I’m paying a $7 cover to get into a place with half naked men, drunk old geezers and a smell that i can only describe as slutty. I couldn’t decide if it was fair to even count this as a date anymore.

When I finally started to do this “dating thing" without any hang-ups, the first place I looked to find potential candidates was in the past. (You know, that's where you keep the ones you didn’t even look at twice because you decided they weren’t cute enough.) That’s how I met this guy. I met him through one of my college friends. As we talked I came to realize he was really sensitive and couldn't swallow my cynicism and sarcasm. I don’t remember exactly what I said but it was bad enough to offend him. We stopped talking after that.

We reunited when we bumped into each other one night at M Café in Culver City. I found out he lives in Echo Park. Perfect opportunity to ask him out on a date and show me the ‘hot spots' in Silverlake. I guess to him that means Rim Job Tuesdays at MJ's? When I told him I wanted to eat out, I didn’t mean ass.

I’d been to MJ’s before but since I was anticipating dinner, the go-go dancers with their big cocks flopping around in my face just didn’t sit too well with me. I am so fucking hungry, I thought to myself as I walked by a go-go dancer exposing his bare ass as he humped the stage. I really want some strawberry shrimp.

We headed towards the back of the club where a twinky guy in his underwear hanging out in a hot tub was passing out shots. If I’m not gonna eat, I might as well get drunk, I decided. I bought the first round, thinking he’d buy the second. Again, I thought wrong.

His voice was so monotone and stoic. I tried to be clever with topics to talk about but I found myself bored by his tone. We stood outside and people watched, making up scenarios and creating their life story based on their appearance. “I have a confession to make,” he blurted. “I think you have really nice arms.”

“These scrawny things?” I asked looking at my limbs. “No one’s ever told me that before. But thanks…” I may be hungry. I may be cranky. But fuck yeah! I have nice arms.

We bummed cigarettes off people. Danced a little. Then left. Instead of dropping me off he insisted that he find parking (because that's so easy to find in Silverlake). After he found a spot, I looked at him with that “Huh?” face (refer to picture on the header). “So good night?” I said, extending my arms for a polite embrace. “Can I see your new place?” he asked. You mean my bed? I thought. “For what?” I said with a tinge of annoyance. All I wanted to do was raid my fridge and eat whatever I could find. “I don’t know,” he continued, “Hang out. See what happens.”

SEX! HE WANTS SEX!

“Well nothing’s gonna happen.” I sounded a little too conceited so I added, “...Because my roommates are awake. And I’d be really embarrassed if you were in my room for like 10 minutes and then left. Not very subtle, you know?”

“Aw man. Maybe next time then,” he said dryly. “Can I see your dick?” he caught me off guard.

“Why?!” (refer to picture on the header).

“I just like to see what other guys’ dicks look like. Aren’t you curious?”

“Sure. I guess so,” I said a bit confused, “Well what does yours look like?”

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” he said trying his best to sound flirtatious in his monotone voice.

“Well I’m actually really tired so this won’t be much fun,” I said as I tried to recall what was in the fridge. “Maybe next time?

“Aw, alright then.” He seemed so apathetic.

“Well I had fun. Call me if you ever want to do dinner.” I said, giving him a polite goodbye forever hug.

He drove away and I ran to the kitchen and ate a bowl of cereal. It was no Mandarette strawberry shrimp but it was better than comparing dicks with a guy that sounds like Ben Stein in those Visine commercials.




I ate one more bowl of cereal before I went to bed.